Not a moment has gone by this month when I haven’t felt drained, exhausted beyond the capacity for proper functioning.
I’ve been eating in ways that my body does not react kindly to. I’ve been unable to sleep when I want to, and in need of sleep in the day, when I’ve had other things to do. I’ve been in physical pain a lot of the time, in lots of different ways. I’ve not been able to complete assignments for uni, not been able to show up for a lot of uni. I’ve spent a lot of time crying, which isn’t normal for me – I’m more often numbed out.
I currently feel like no amount of sleep will ever be enough. I feel like I will never purge myself of all this pent up emotion and I will never be able to be a whole person because I am so overwhelmed that I don’t really know how to be in the world.
But I have found moments of euphoria amongst all this less-than-fun emotion.
And that is down to one thing only – music.
Sometimes I think that I am too old and have progressed too much to say that music saves my life. I am no longer 14 and it is no longer the only thing that ever gives me any joy. But when things are rough, music is still my refuge. And I’m not sure that I would have survived this month without it.
It has been a month of travelling back and forth, from one end of the country to the other. Over and over again.
As I am writing this, I am en route to see my favourite band, All Time Low, for the third and final time this month. This band is my neverland to run away to when I am sad and scared. This band was the first thing that introduced me to the idea that I could love myself despite the mess. This band sang me to sleep every night as a teenager, when I was too terrified of my own thoughts to deal with the quiet in the darkness. This band was, during the worst of times, my reason for holding on tight. I may have many more reasons now, but All Time Low are still one of the easiest for me to recognise when I’m struggling to take a breath. Each show I’ve been to on this tour has lit me up, allowed me to get lost in sheer joy for a while – with the occasional cathartic sob at certain songs, of course. I am forever grateful for All Time Low, for forever reminding me that there’s a place for me somewhere.
I also got to see a few other favourite bands of mine this month, all of whom it feels like I haven’t seen in SO LONG. Well, except for Young Guns, I saw them in September. But trust me, that’s a long time without those guys as far as I’m concerned. This is a band I am so incredibly grateful to for far more than the music (which, FYI, is AWESOME). I am grateful to this band most of all for their continued love and support as people. I can’t express that enough (I probably don’t need to, I’ve probably gone about it enough in the past for people to get the message). I just really love Young Guns, okay? I am also grateful that they’ve given me something to look forward to – they have announced a little headline tour for September, and I may or not be following them around the country…
I am grateful to all the bands I listen to and go to see live, because they all play a huge role in my life. Shows are when I feel most alive, most comfortable and clear about who I am, and most safe from the weight of the world.
I’d love to know what you’re feeling grateful for right now – it warms me up to hear about these things. Let me know in the comments below, or tweet me @hurricanegrrrl